Collision course! DMC and FF7!
by tanachuxkuraudo
Summary: Tifa Lockhart is a bar hostess at a stripjoint called 'The Love Basket', and is happily enjoying her relationship with Vergil [Devil May Cry]. When Tana is late for her latest strip show, hilarity ensues. And wait... is Cloud Strife jelous of Vergil?


_Since I'm not going to be putting very many stories up on here to begin with, I finally caved in and said, "What BETTER thing to do than to upload an RPG? And a hilarious one to boot?!" so I did. The truth of the matter is though, that this was never finished due to problems and conflicts arising between certain people. However, I decided that it needed to be shared regardless of that fact. Because the limit of words that you are allowed to type into the summaries sucks, I will fill you in a little more on the plot here: It was decided after a certain msn conversation that we would start an RPG that included Devil May Cry and Final Fantasy 7 characters only, and that we would base it on humor and whatever the hell we wanted. I must say, for what it was worth, it certainly turned out interesting. Oh, and since it came from an RPG, it is not exactly in the most organized of formats, so I apologize if that makes it somehow un-enjoyable for you. You can always hit the back-space button if you totally don't wanna read anymore of this crazy shit. Haha._

_All Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy 7, Clerks ect characters DO NOT BELONG TO ME (oh, I would have a hell of a time with them if they did...) so I claim nothing. _

"WHY DID I LISTEN TO HER!?!??!"

To Rosie, Tifa Lockheart was a great friend and roommate. Her boyfriend was hot, her house was clean, her food was great, but punctuality on the other hand was a HUGE letdown on that girl's behalf. Apparentally telling Rosie "Be up by 6 so you can get to work on time" meant "Be up at six so you can be at work AN HOUR EARLY when you could've done something more productive in that hour."

Rosie fell for it every time. MEMORY was her problem.

So here she was, in the LoveBasket stripjoint BEFORE opening time, helping Tifa clean up the place, wash up some of the dishes from the night before and other mindless crap that she hated doing. She was here to strip, not do some cheap labor!

But how can anybody say "no" to Tifa? Oh the dilemmas in her young life...

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Dante flipped lazily through the TV channels.

"And a schoolteacher apparently called a student the 'N' word..."

click.

"I can make you nice and naughty..." SAID PARIS HILTON AS SHE DANCED AROUND LIKE A FAGGOT.

Ewww. Paris Hilton making a fucking MUSIC video?! What was this world coming to?

He turned the TV off in discust.

"Ughhhh". Shiver.

He was bored out of his mind and he really wasn't liking it. Just a few weeks ago he had opened the shop "Devil May Cry", and he was barely getting any customers! Maybe it was because of the ghey demons roaming the streets. He didn't really know.

"Well... this is no good. Out of business before the buisiness even began." he sighed as he propped his feet against the table. "Let's see now... well, I'm bored as hell. Maybe I can go pick up some chicks at a party. Better freshen up first though." he grinned.

He flipped the TV off and proceeded to wash himself a bit. He was covered in dirt and grime and even a little bit of jizz that a faggot demon had shot on him. Apparently getting stabbed repeatedly turned the demon on. "Sick bastards." he thought.

After he was finished he grabbed his apparel and exited the bar. Vaguely he had remembered when he had fought demons in some stripper joint/bar just a little ways off from his shop. He couldn't remember the name, something with 'Love' in it. "Well, let's check it out."

When he found the place he was looking for, called "The Love Basket", he smirked and entered.

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When Tifa was done cleaning off the table and a very impatient Rosie stormed off into the dressing room (or more appropriately the "un-dressing" room :P), she looked up and saw that guy from before. The one who kinda looked like Vergil. She smiled and continued to wipe off the table.

"Welcome to the LoveBasket. We're about to open in a little bit, but you're free to wait around here 'till then." she said.

_I'll have to make a mental note to ask him if he's a family member of Vergil's or not. They both look so much alike._

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Cid Highwind was not drunk. Not only was he not drunk, he also had a distinct lack of boobage in his life. Of course, he supposed it was his fault after all, he had chosen to live with a flat-chested scientist. So what does one do when you need booze and boobs? Strip joint, of course.

So while Shera was off buying groceries, he checked out the phone book. In a large one page ad he saw an advertisement for a bar called The Love Basket. It was decided. Since the place had a whole page to themselves, they MUST have been good.

At about the same time, Rude's bar was not doing very good. Evidently, after he had found the President again, his bar had been ran by some friends while he was absent. It was now a gay bar. Needless to say, he had decided to permanently turn the bar over to new management. Like nights before he had decided to go to The Love Basket to try and ask the owner for some sort of job. If this didn't work, then he'd just get wasted like every other night.

Also at the same time, for Niena was stupid and decided to have THREE characters, Ni was eating her dinner and preparing to go into work for the night.

To be honest, she did not want to be a mere waitress at her work, The Love Basket. No, she aspired to someday be a stripper, and get ridiculous amounts of money. But right now, she was just a waitress, and no one had even thought to give her a job as a stripper.

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Vincent roamed the streets out of sheer boredom, looking for where he could buy a phone (lmao) when he passed a bar with the neon sign that glowed "Love Basket" in a florescent pink. Strip bars weren't his sort of place, but he needed a drink and couldn't find where else he could go. So he pushed open the doors and made his entrance...

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Trish's bike roared as she zoomed down the streets. She crashed through the glass of Devil May Cry and skidded to a halt. Taking in the sight of the store's interior, Trish removed her dark glasses and looked around and noticed there was no life in there. "Well fuck...where's Dante?"

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Heather was sitting in the back corner of the bar. Again, she was feeling tired and hungry as usual. "Man I want an ice cream sandwich." She kept thinking, her head was resting on her pale hand, fingers laced through her dark hair. Tonight was boring, she had never been so eager for the bar to open.

From inside the dressing room, Rosie began to put on a rather revealing outfit that looked somewhat like a bikini and something from FFX-2 (only mind you, the design was much more creative). It was a hot pink color, showed A LOT of skin, and was shimmery. Despite the fact that she looked smokin' hot in the mirror, Rosie groaned a bit.

"I can't believe Tifa made me help her again, how gay. I hate washing those damn dishes. Do I look like a dishwasher to you? I'm fucking NAKED for Christ's sake." she muttered, then took a quick drink of vodka.

"Damn girl needs to learn the difference between stripper and dishwasher! She works in a stripjoint for Christ's sake!"

That was followed by a hiccup, then Rosie falling back into her seat. She gave a sigh and looked around.

"Where the frick is Tana? The bar opens in five fucking minutes."

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Tifa looked at the clock on the wall. The place opened in about five minutes and the customers were already making their way into the place. Wherever Tana was, she'd better be here soon and had better be already changed. She didn't want the girl to be late again. That would only cause trouble.

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Using the spare key she had, Niena opened the kitchen door and snuck into The Love Basket. "Whooo! I'm not late!"

Usually, it was either her or Tana that ended up late. This time, it seemed like it was going to be Tana. Sadly, even though she wasn't late, she also wasn't in her uniform, so she walked off to the bathroom to change.

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"Tifa? Do you think you could let me in a bit early? I was wondering if maybe you could give me a job here. Please? I could mail you my credentials and stuff..." Rude begged through the locked door of the strip joint, "Tifa? Are you there?

Tifa blinked, then moved towards the door. She smiled slightly at the person she saw.

"Oh hey, Rude." she greeted. "Well... what do you think you could do here? You don't look like the type who'd get up on the stage and tear your clothes off."

At that she laughed a bit. "But, since you were Rufus's bodyguard... we could use a bouncer for this place. Sometimes it gets too crazy and I have to handle everything. Hard stuff."

Vincent could hear familiar voices as he moved his way through the dimly lit bar. As he got closer, he recognized it was Tifa and Rude talking. "...Tifa? Is this place open yet?"

Tifa blinked awkwardly. "Vincent? Well... this is... a surprise..." she stammered.

_Vincent likes stripjoints? That's... certainly unexpected._

"Well... how are you?" she asked with a chuckle. "And the place is about to open soon, but we're a stripper short. Tana's late once again."

He shook his head and motioned his golden claw toward the bar. "Don't get me wrong, Tifa. I just need a drink and there's nowhere else to go other than here."

"Hey, thanks Tifa. You're not gonna regret it." Rude said with a rare grin, "When do I start?"

"Tifa? Rude? Vince? What're y'all doin' here?" Cid said, swaggering up to the bar. "Vince, I woulda never thought you would like shows like this! Way ta go, ya crazy $#." He laughed, "So's this #&ing place open yet?"

"Hey, Tifa!" Niena said, scrambling up to her boss, "Is Tana here yet? You know, I could fill in for her if she doesn't show up or something. I'd be good, too! I've practiced and stuff!"

Tifa scratched her head and sighed. "Alright, if Tana doesn't show up soon, then show us what you got. I'm sure Rosie has a few extra outfits in the dressing room that you can borrow... damn Tana..."

Then she turned to Rude. "You can start tonight if you'd like. Looks like it's gonna be pretty crowded."

Then she looked over to Cid. "Cid! What are you doing in here?! Won't Shera get angry?"

"Sweet!" Niena cheered, running back into the bar. She knocked on Rosie's door and asked, "Hey, Rosie! Can I borrow one of your outfits? Tana hasn't shown up yet and Tifa says I can fill in for her."

"Alright. Sounds good." Rude said, ignoring Cid.

"Aw, Shera's at one of those #$ book club things them bored middle aged women go to. She ain't gonna miss me. Besiiiiiiiides, I need some booze and titties. A man can't live without 'em!" Cid said, lighting up another cigarette.

From inside the room, Niena would most likely hear Rosie screaming something along these lines:

"FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER GODDAMN FUCKING TANA SHE'S PROBABLY OUT FUCKING VERGIL'S BROTHER KNOWING THAT STUPID FUCK SHE OWES ME FIFTY BUCKS FOR LOSING THAT BET ABOUT ME BEING ABLE TO BANG VERGIL'S BRO BEFORE SHE COULD AND NOW THE NEXT DAY SHE DOESN'T SHOW UP AND IS PROBABLY BANGING HIM BEHIND MY BACK! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU TOO MOTHER FUCK!"

Then she opened the door. "Oh sure, Niena. I have a few in the closet. Take your pick."

Tifa rose her eyebrows, obviously hearing EVERYTHING (even from across the bar) then sighed.

"Sure boys... help yourselves... make yourselves comfy..." then she turned around and went to make herself a drink. It was gonna be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG night.


End file.
